what makes me a "grown up"?

i feel as if i've always been in preparation for my life to start. like i need a momentous act or occasion that will signifies my life has begun. what makes me a "grown up"?

i'm 25 and am constantly reminded that i'm behind. i go to school with girls fresh out of high school who have figured out what they want to do with their life. they will have a start to a career at the same time this old lady is starting hers. they have a leg up on me. they have more years to work and prepare for retirement. they get to start from day one in what they love. i see facebook updates from friends and friends of friends that are younger then my brother saying how they have finally got their BA and can finally start their careers. while i'm just squeaking by at being half way done just with school.

i have friends celebrating 5 years of marriage, friends celebrating their "babies" birthday's who are growing into beautiful young girls, friends having their first baby and friends getting married. i'm behind. it's an odd feeling going from running along side to stretching on the side lines. i watch everyones life start while i'm still warming up.

it leads me back to my original thought. what makes me a "grown up"? you would think major life events like having a loan for a car, good paying job-benefits-desk-seniority, getting a dog, getting married, going to the E.R. without your mom and dad, getting a degree, paying bills, dealing with what happens when you don't pay your bills, renting an apartment, getting divorced and recovering to make it on your own, realizing everything you are wearing is something you paid for and earned, changing jobs cause it is what's best for YOU, moving to an unfamiliar city, buying furniture, decorating your fancy apartment, paying off your loaned car, paying off all those bills and debt, finding something to be passionate about, finding someone to be passionate about, buying a home...meeting someone who will change your life forever...

as i have continued to prepare for my life to begin i have missed out on all these milestones. some good...some bad but all part of what has molded me into me. as i write this list every moment has come flashing back to me as a "proud" moment. a moment that i faced and has made me stronger. i remember each of those moments and didn't stop my big plans for the future to realize THIS is the future. this is what i have been waiting for. no more need to be stretching for the big run, but i need to see that i've been running all along. my pace may of slowed a little [comes with age i guess] but i'm still living.

what makes me a "grown up"? right now? buying a house...something people dream about forever and some never get to achieve. i'm so blessed. more importantly i'm buying a house with my best friend. i don't even want to say that we are "starting our lives together here" cause we've already done that. from that first kiss we began the best parts of our lives. maybe buying a home makes me feel like i've accomplished something in the midst of what i feel is nothing, but i am so rich with what i have had, what i do have and what i will have.

 yeah, i know that i have a little bit of time before i finish school and get my big girl job and yes it's taking awhile but i'm going to love it. i have a career path with something i feel truly passionate about. plans for the future to get married and have kids are wonderful and i'm envious of those who have it now. but i will. i will celebrate my 5 year wedding anniversary, have little ones grow like crazy in front of my eyes, enjoy having my first sweet little baby and marry my handsome man. it's not right now...but it's ok. i'm going to strive to be less focused on the future and starting loving the right now. anxiety pushes me over the edge always waiting to be a "grown up". i don't want another 8 years to go by and realize that i've missed out on living. be patient and the rest will follow.

tomorrow is thursday...

so today has been interesting to say the least. i'm still kind of numb to how i feel about it or even how i should feel about it. i'm borderline ready to cry from stress and fear at any minute...but have been keeping it all in check until it's needed. my "planned" future seems to be crumbling around me. i really shouldn't be surprised because honestly when has anything gone according to MY plan. and i'm grateful for that because in turn it's brought me to a beautiful new city, an exciting new learning experience and a wonderful best friend. but the list maker, time line setter, likes surprises when she knows there coming kinda gal is struggling. jeez...i'm the "there's a method to the madness" advocate but it's hard to buy sometimes.

this is where being a girl SUCKS! kyle's motto seems to be worry when we know there's something to worry about. oh to be so carefree and able to turn off this little brain of mine. the "what if's" have been racing through my mind since 9:30 this morning. the Smith's were a great distraction and my dad (in his guy like fashion) was talking me off the wall...and i'm soo lucky to have them. i really enjoyed my bonding texting/phone call with my pops.

i'm gonna try the kyle and dad approach of not worrying about the future till i need to. i took my day to...for lack of a better word...grieve, but tomorrow i'm gonna just live as i had on thursday. the little girl in me wants to stomp my feet, arms crossed and say "THIS ISN'T FAIR!!" like my dad always says, "when you were born, i never told you life was gonna be fair." UGH! but it looks like i need to just wait till have something to be upset about...or hopefully something to celebrate.

reality just smacked me..."you need to not worry cause you are going to make me worry and i don't want to worry yet"...i hear ya! loud and clear. i've been thinking about how scary this could be for me i forgot that it's ten times scary for him. i'm sorry. mandy said this to me earlier, "god works in mysterious ways (so cliche) but true." and she's right...it IS soo cliche but it IS soo true. i need to stop my worry (it'll give me an ulcer), i need to stop the tears, the fear and anxiety and just live. save my worry for a day that it's needed. but not today. tomorrow is thursday.