what makes me a "grown up"?

i feel as if i've always been in preparation for my life to start. like i need a momentous act or occasion that will signifies my life has begun. what makes me a "grown up"?

i'm 25 and am constantly reminded that i'm behind. i go to school with girls fresh out of high school who have figured out what they want to do with their life. they will have a start to a career at the same time this old lady is starting hers. they have a leg up on me. they have more years to work and prepare for retirement. they get to start from day one in what they love. i see facebook updates from friends and friends of friends that are younger then my brother saying how they have finally got their BA and can finally start their careers. while i'm just squeaking by at being half way done just with school.

i have friends celebrating 5 years of marriage, friends celebrating their "babies" birthday's who are growing into beautiful young girls, friends having their first baby and friends getting married. i'm behind. it's an odd feeling going from running along side to stretching on the side lines. i watch everyones life start while i'm still warming up.

it leads me back to my original thought. what makes me a "grown up"? you would think major life events like having a loan for a car, good paying job-benefits-desk-seniority, getting a dog, getting married, going to the E.R. without your mom and dad, getting a degree, paying bills, dealing with what happens when you don't pay your bills, renting an apartment, getting divorced and recovering to make it on your own, realizing everything you are wearing is something you paid for and earned, changing jobs cause it is what's best for YOU, moving to an unfamiliar city, buying furniture, decorating your fancy apartment, paying off your loaned car, paying off all those bills and debt, finding something to be passionate about, finding someone to be passionate about, buying a home...meeting someone who will change your life forever...

as i have continued to prepare for my life to begin i have missed out on all these milestones. some good...some bad but all part of what has molded me into me. as i write this list every moment has come flashing back to me as a "proud" moment. a moment that i faced and has made me stronger. i remember each of those moments and didn't stop my big plans for the future to realize THIS is the future. this is what i have been waiting for. no more need to be stretching for the big run, but i need to see that i've been running all along. my pace may of slowed a little [comes with age i guess] but i'm still living.

what makes me a "grown up"? right now? buying a house...something people dream about forever and some never get to achieve. i'm so blessed. more importantly i'm buying a house with my best friend. i don't even want to say that we are "starting our lives together here" cause we've already done that. from that first kiss we began the best parts of our lives. maybe buying a home makes me feel like i've accomplished something in the midst of what i feel is nothing, but i am so rich with what i have had, what i do have and what i will have.

 yeah, i know that i have a little bit of time before i finish school and get my big girl job and yes it's taking awhile but i'm going to love it. i have a career path with something i feel truly passionate about. plans for the future to get married and have kids are wonderful and i'm envious of those who have it now. but i will. i will celebrate my 5 year wedding anniversary, have little ones grow like crazy in front of my eyes, enjoy having my first sweet little baby and marry my handsome man. it's not right now...but it's ok. i'm going to strive to be less focused on the future and starting loving the right now. anxiety pushes me over the edge always waiting to be a "grown up". i don't want another 8 years to go by and realize that i've missed out on living. be patient and the rest will follow.

how did i get so lucky?

The little things in life are sometimes over looked, but I'm soo lucky to have found someone that not only sees the big picture but sees the little things that make me smile. We were watching "The Ugly Truth" last night and the main character described all the traits of her "perfect man" it got me thinking...then today I went to the front office @ home to find a beautiful arrangement of flowers for me that simple reads "...I love you. Your 'handsome man'" This has prompted my reasons that Kyle D Cole is the perfect man. [in no particular order]

1. You send me flowers "just because"

2. You ALWAYS try to surprise me but in your attempt to "never lie to me" you sell yourself out

3. You never lie to me

4. You find pure joy in making me happy and taking care of me

5. You made my family and friends fall in love with you

6. You have an amazing family that have welcomed me with open arms

7. Your friends have become my friends and I LOVE them

8. You know EVERYTHING. If there is something you don't know, you learn it

9. You have a motivation to contuniously better yourself

10. You stand up for injustice

11. You love the lord

12. You strive to be a better man to me and the world then you were yesterday

13. You love talking about me when i'm not around

14. You braved your "never buy a girlfriend jewelry again rule" and bought me something at Tiffany's

15. You love me the way you know I should be loved

16. You love candy

17. You join in the silliness

18. You melt for our sweet baby kitties

19. You truly listen to what I have to say, soak it up and apply it to our life

20. You are the man of our house and lead us both with conviction and faith

21. You support me

22. You let me feel comfortable enough to be me

23. You feel comfortable enough to be you

24. You USUALLY embrace change once i've convinced you that you should

25. You get my humidifer ready for me EVERY NIGHT. Even on the nights you don't want to

26. You learned Snoopy's Christmas on your own

27. You introduced me to the Smith's

28. You like to clean...NO you HAVE to clean

29. You look out for our best interest

30. You hold me and it makes my world at peace

31. You are an amazing writer

32. You are pushing yourself for more so we can have a better future

33. You have an alluring confidence about you

34. You are sexy when you work

35. You have a passion for music that we can share

36. You never get mad at me

37. You love me unconditionally and more then I ever dreamed possible

38. You think about our future, our family and it's centered around God.

39. You give all of you and then some

40. You are incredibly handsome

41. You always have an opinion [that is meant as a compliment]

42. You have a never ending thirst for knowledge

43. You are the perfect complement to me

44. You sing to me

45. You are the epitome of perfection

I love you my Handsome Man.

tomorrow is thursday...

so today has been interesting to say the least. i'm still kind of numb to how i feel about it or even how i should feel about it. i'm borderline ready to cry from stress and fear at any minute...but have been keeping it all in check until it's needed. my "planned" future seems to be crumbling around me. i really shouldn't be surprised because honestly when has anything gone according to MY plan. and i'm grateful for that because in turn it's brought me to a beautiful new city, an exciting new learning experience and a wonderful best friend. but the list maker, time line setter, likes surprises when she knows there coming kinda gal is struggling. jeez...i'm the "there's a method to the madness" advocate but it's hard to buy sometimes.

this is where being a girl SUCKS! kyle's motto seems to be worry when we know there's something to worry about. oh to be so carefree and able to turn off this little brain of mine. the "what if's" have been racing through my mind since 9:30 this morning. the Smith's were a great distraction and my dad (in his guy like fashion) was talking me off the wall...and i'm soo lucky to have them. i really enjoyed my bonding texting/phone call with my pops.

i'm gonna try the kyle and dad approach of not worrying about the future till i need to. i took my day to...for lack of a better word...grieve, but tomorrow i'm gonna just live as i had on thursday. the little girl in me wants to stomp my feet, arms crossed and say "THIS ISN'T FAIR!!" like my dad always says, "when you were born, i never told you life was gonna be fair." UGH! but it looks like i need to just wait till have something to be upset about...or hopefully something to celebrate.

reality just smacked me..."you need to not worry cause you are going to make me worry and i don't want to worry yet"...i hear ya! loud and clear. i've been thinking about how scary this could be for me i forgot that it's ten times scary for him. i'm sorry. mandy said this to me earlier, "god works in mysterious ways (so cliche) but true." and she's right...it IS soo cliche but it IS soo true. i need to stop my worry (it'll give me an ulcer), i need to stop the tears, the fear and anxiety and just live. save my worry for a day that it's needed. but not today. tomorrow is thursday.

terrified...

i was driving home thinking about why i've just been kinda blah. i know a lot has to do with missing kyle since he works a lot. again, he loves his job and it makes him truly happy so i'm not blaming him for that, but it makes it difficult sometimes. on top of it we have some family stresses and worries that have just been weighing on my mind, and kyle's too. it's hard not to feel what he feels- good or bad, happy or sad. but it hit me like a ton of brick last night. what am i doing?

i know that it's early to have a mid-life crisis cause i hope to live past 50 but what am i going to have to show for my life at 50. what am i doing? i've ALWAYS had a plan. though it's changed and taking different shapes over the past 10 years but it's been there. my sophomore year of HS my counselor sat me down and said "what do you want to do with your life?" loaded question for a 15 year old, but i had mini panic attack, gathered my thoughts and decided to make a plan. from that point forward i became obsessed with planning and writing out my future, making lists and re make "plans". before i graduated from Fullerton College i had re made my student plan a dozen times a semester.

i have hit a wall. i am going to school but for what? i have no job and even more so no hint at a career. why? do i want a career? do i want to stay home with a family? do i want both? "what do i want to do with my life?" i don't know. horrible question if you ask me. was horrible then and now. for someone who's always had a "plan" this is a very uneasy feeling. i do have to say that you can see how well having a "plan" has worked out for me. so maybe this going with the flow kind of thing might work better but...it's weird. i don't want to look back at my life and wonder where the time went and if i wasted it.

i feel like i'm limbo. waiting for my adult life to start. NEWS FLASH. it started 7 years ago. i'm longer a crazy high school kid or really even a "young adult" i'm in my mid 20's...smack dab right in the middle! 5 years to 30...NO...15 years to 40 WOW. i say all this in confusion and frustration but not to discount my life. i absolutely LOVE my life. i love where i live. i love my d cole. i love my family. i love my friends. so much about where i am now in life is exciting, new and exhilarating.

i think that being so happy in life is part of the reason that i am so eager to know my future. a wise man once said, "I'll tell you this, when that first piece falls into place, you start to wish the rest would come quick"

outing number one...

Well...we went and saw 3 houses. 2 in Costa De Mesa and 1 in Orange. Lucky Cotter we'd be neighbors...he he he We really liked the Orange one but it's at the top of our price range and still needs some work to it. True for all of them though, they all need new flooring and little things here and there to make it livable. I loooved the windows in the kitchen looking out over the trees and NOT into anyones house. Not too crazy about the closets but there is a second balcony off the master bedroom. Def something I could see us in.

We found one in Costa De Mesa that was 3 bedroom $40,000 below the others and in a good neighborhood...needed a little more work then the others BUT if we are under budget we have room to upgrade. Downside is, it's on leased land and it's near impossible to get a loan from the bank. Our "guy" said he wouldn't buy this property which says a lot. I'm absolutely in love with the other Costa De Mesa condo! 2 bedroom, 2 bath...has a HUGE master bedroom with room to add. High ceilings and a mostly upgraded kitchen-it's almost as if they started the upgrade and ran out of money. Nothing that we couldn't fix and fairly inexpensively. My favorite part of that house is the patio. It's a little patio that opens up to a stream running through it. We even saw a family of ducks swimming by, awww i'm in love. I can just picture us out there, drinking some ice tea, doing homework or reading a book just enjoying the sunrise or even the sunset. awww...it actually inspired me to use our patio here at 3400. I mean I hear the noise of Sunflower, the washer/dryer and the neighbors but hey it's FINALLY a nice night.

so we've decided to keep looking. we don't want to jump the gun too soon and get a house that we really like when we could find one we both love. this whole process is soo weird though. i mean we won't really even know if we for sure have the place we do finally decided for what can be months. i'm soo worried we'll fall in love with the "perfect" home and not get it. i know it's out of our hands and he'll find us the best place but anxious me wants it all!

we are filling out the loan paperwork so when we do find "the one" we are ready to go. I'll keep all 5 of you posted on what haps next. ; ]

Our NEXT great adventure...

I'm soo excited I can't sleep. PLUS it's only midnight and I normally got o bed at 2am, which is when Kyle has to be at work tomorrow. Booooo.

We have set out on our NEXT great adventure, the next wonderful chapter in our beautiful story. We have been meeting with our family friend Jim about options on buying a house. We orginially just kicked the idea around as something we'd like to do but me with no job it seemed a bit impossible. Mainly, we were hoping to see where we stand and what we needed to do to qualify. To our shock and surprise we qualify for much more then we thought we would!!! Oh HAPPY DAY!!

We've been shuffling through some listings and driving some neighborhoods and found 3 so far that we really like and want to see. Here comes the exciting part....we get to go look at those 3 tomorrow!!! eeeeeeee...SOOO excited!! We loved the areas and the community so it's just if we like the actual home!!

I'm excited beyond words to be starting this next part of our lives together. Owning and building a home together just sounds amazing. To put our time and love into a place of our own and our FUTURE family!! awwww.... it sounds soo sweet.

Until tomorrow....

...and so the next chapter reads...

the last few days i have been hit with a lot of reflection and unwanted nostalgic feelings...a harsh realty that i have been aching to ignore seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks last night. my life that i stepped out of, threw my arms up and walked away from has moved on around me. which is good, it truly is, i want those i care and cared about to TRULY and UNDOUBTEDLY be happy and wish the best to all of them in their future, but future that i have chosen to not be part of. that's right, i said i CHOSE. when i walked away that meant i risked walking away from it all...and unfortunately that means i truly did lose it all.

i guess life's funny like that, you really can't have the best of both worlds, have your cake and eat it too, whatever silly analogy you want...but i can say with no doubt that the grass IS greener on the other side for me. for all that i have lost i have gained ten fold. i actively made these sacrifices to better MY life, as selfish and cold as that might sound...i was/am selfish. i am also, stubborn, persistent and a bit crazy. i know this and i accept it. i'm learning to accept the consciences of my actions, good and bad. and learning that it's ok to lose, it's ok to feel loss and ok to say this hurts. this hurts.

that being said. i am closing that chapter in the epic story of kimberly ann. it is time for me to start this new chapter free from the strings of the last. the previous chapters are there to set you up for the amazing novel that is left to be told. the last chapters were just silly like stories to add to the beautiful life that i'm embarking on. we will look back on those first few chapters as the set up to the most wonderful love story ever told. a story of life, love, growth and learning. we will think back about those stories as distant and blurred memories and eventually we won't think of them at all.

they moved on. as have i. i welcome you to join in whatever capacity you seem fit in this epic story. as a writer, an observer, a key player or even just a passer by. the door is open, it's up to you how you choose to come in.