i feel as if i've always been in preparation for my life to start. like i need a momentous act or occasion that will signifies my life has begun. what makes me a "grown up"?
i'm 25 and am constantly reminded that i'm behind. i go to school with girls fresh out of high school who have figured out what they want to do with their life. they will have a start to a career at the same time this old lady is starting hers. they have a leg up on me. they have more years to work and prepare for retirement. they get to start from day one in what they love. i see facebook updates from friends and friends of friends that are younger then my brother saying how they have finally got their BA and can finally start their careers. while i'm just squeaking by at being half way done just with school.
i have friends celebrating 5 years of marriage, friends celebrating their "babies" birthday's who are growing into beautiful young girls, friends having their first baby and friends getting married. i'm behind. it's an odd feeling going from running along side to stretching on the side lines. i watch everyones life start while i'm still warming up.
it leads me back to my original thought. what makes me a "grown up"? you would think major life events like having a loan for a car, good paying job-benefits-desk-seniority, getting a dog, getting married, going to the E.R. without your mom and dad, getting a degree, paying bills, dealing with what happens when you don't pay your bills, renting an apartment, getting divorced and recovering to make it on your own, realizing everything you are wearing is something you paid for and earned, changing jobs cause it is what's best for YOU, moving to an unfamiliar city, buying furniture, decorating your fancy apartment, paying off your loaned car, paying off all those bills and debt, finding something to be passionate about, finding someone to be passionate about, buying a home...meeting someone who will change your life forever...
as i have continued to prepare for my life to begin i have missed out on all these milestones. some good...some bad but all part of what has molded me into me. as i write this list every moment has come flashing back to me as a "proud" moment. a moment that i faced and has made me stronger. i remember each of those moments and didn't stop my big plans for the future to realize THIS is the future. this is what i have been waiting for. no more need to be stretching for the big run, but i need to see that i've been running all along. my pace may of slowed a little [comes with age i guess] but i'm still living.
what makes me a "grown up"? right now? buying a house...something people dream about forever and some never get to achieve. i'm so blessed. more importantly i'm buying a house with my best friend. i don't even want to say that we are "starting our lives together here" cause we've already done that. from that first kiss we began the best parts of our lives. maybe buying a home makes me feel like i've accomplished something in the midst of what i feel is nothing, but i am so rich with what i have had, what i do have and what i will have.
yeah, i know that i have a little bit of time before i finish school and get my big girl job and yes it's taking awhile but i'm going to love it. i have a career path with something i feel truly passionate about. plans for the future to get married and have kids are wonderful and i'm envious of those who have it now. but i will. i will celebrate my 5 year wedding anniversary, have little ones grow like crazy in front of my eyes, enjoy having my first sweet little baby and marry my handsome man. it's not right now...but it's ok. i'm going to strive to be less focused on the future and starting loving the right now. anxiety pushes me over the edge always waiting to be a "grown up". i don't want another 8 years to go by and realize that i've missed out on living. be patient and the rest will follow.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
how did i get so lucky?
The little things in life are sometimes over looked, but I'm soo lucky to have found someone that not only sees the big picture but sees the little things that make me smile. We were watching "The Ugly Truth" last night and the main character described all the traits of her "perfect man" it got me thinking...then today I went to the front office @ home to find a beautiful arrangement of flowers for me that simple reads "...I love you. Your 'handsome man'" This has prompted my reasons that Kyle D Cole is the perfect man. [in no particular order]
1. You send me flowers "just because"
2. You ALWAYS try to surprise me but in your attempt to "never lie to me" you sell yourself out
3. You never lie to me
4. You find pure joy in making me happy and taking care of me
5. You made my family and friends fall in love with you
6. You have an amazing family that have welcomed me with open arms
7. Your friends have become my friends and I LOVE them
8. You know EVERYTHING. If there is something you don't know, you learn it
9. You have a motivation to contuniously better yourself
10. You stand up for injustice
11. You love the lord
12. You strive to be a better man to me and the world then you were yesterday
13. You love talking about me when i'm not around
14. You braved your "never buy a girlfriend jewelry again rule" and bought me something at Tiffany's
15. You love me the way you know I should be loved
16. You love candy
17. You join in the silliness
18. You melt for our sweet baby kitties
19. You truly listen to what I have to say, soak it up and apply it to our life
20. You are the man of our house and lead us both with conviction and faith
21. You support me
22. You let me feel comfortable enough to be me
23. You feel comfortable enough to be you
24. You USUALLY embrace change once i've convinced you that you should
25. You get my humidifer ready for me EVERY NIGHT. Even on the nights you don't want to
26. You learned Snoopy's Christmas on your own
27. You introduced me to the Smith's
28. You like to clean...NO you HAVE to clean
29. You look out for our best interest
30. You hold me and it makes my world at peace
31. You are an amazing writer
32. You are pushing yourself for more so we can have a better future
33. You have an alluring confidence about you
34. You are sexy when you work
35. You have a passion for music that we can share
36. You never get mad at me
37. You love me unconditionally and more then I ever dreamed possible
38. You think about our future, our family and it's centered around God.
39. You give all of you and then some
40. You are incredibly handsome
41. You always have an opinion [that is meant as a compliment]
42. You have a never ending thirst for knowledge
43. You are the perfect complement to me
44. You sing to me
45. You are the epitome of perfection
I love you my Handsome Man.
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